Tomb Raider: A Sadomasochist Is Born
by Seamok
Summary: A twisted scene-by-scene re-imagining of the 2013 game. Warning for bad writing, tasteless humour, and blatant, unashamed Lara / Sam worshipping. (Complete)
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Tomb Raider belongs to Square Enix and Crystal Dynamics. I make no profit by writing this fiction. All ideas in this story are my own; similarities with other fictions are purely coincidental. And also, English is not my native language.

Warning: This fic contains bad writing, tasteless humour, and blatant, unashamed Lara / Sam worshipping. It also contains a lot of annoying pop culture reference and nonsensical violence. I'm sorry if you decide to read it anyway, because you're clearly as damaged as I am.

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**Tomb Raider: A Sadomasochist Is Born**

Chapter 1

_So…like…a famous person once said…it is not who you are, but what you do that defines you…or something like that…God there are so many variations to the same shit these days…they all mean the same thing anyway…_

_Come to think of it…I think it was Batman who said that…or his squeeze…fuck I can't remember…Who cares anyway?_

_Anyway, I finally set out to make my mark, to find adventure. But Instead, I realised I suck at hide and seek…because adventure found me first…_

Lara was sitting on her bed, listening to a kick ass song called "Elevation" by a kick ass band called "U2". Lara loved that song. For some reason, it reminded her of herself.

Suddenly, the ship was hit by a huge wave. The inside of the ship rocked violently and Lara was thrown off her bed onto the floor. The alarm sounded off. Lara groaned. She exited her cabin and was immediately swept off by the oncoming wave. With her mouth choking full of horrible tasting sea water, and her limbs flailing around, Lara thought to herself…

_In our darkest moments, when life flashes before us…Sam…we find something…Sam…something that keeps us going…Sam…_

Lara banged her fists on the tiny round window and shouted for help. She was about to pass out before someone pulled her out of the water. Lara didn't see his face, but she was sure it was Jonah. Only the big guy had an arm that huge.

So she looked to the other side and saw Roth waving like a lunatic and asking her to jump.

"Come on Lara!" Roth shouted, "You jump! I jump!"

_What the hell was that? _Lara thought to herself. She shrugged it off. She then ran and leaped off the edge. Roth managed to catch her. However, the old man's shoulder immediately cramped up.

"Aaarrrggghhh! My shoulder! My shoulder is cramping!"

"Don't you let go old man!" Lara shouted back.

"I'm sorry Lara! I'm sorry!"

Despite Lara trying her best to cling on, Roth's hand slipped and Lara fell into the sea. The last thing she heard before she hit the water was Roth's maniacal singing in the storm.

"NEAR…FAR…WHEREVER YOU ARE…I BELIEVE THAT THE HEART DOES GO ON…"

Lara made a mental note to herself. Next time she sees Roth, she will kick his ass.

Lara then managed to swim to the shore. She climbed onto the beach and coughed up the sea water choking her lungs. She then stood up.

"Hello? Reyes? Jonah? I'm here!"

Then suddenly, someone knocked her out from the back.

When she woke up, she was hanging upside down in some sort of cave. She was also wrapped in some kind of cocoon.

"Help! Jonah! Reyes! Help! Got to get down!"

She swung back and forth and touched her cocoon on a fire.

"This is gonna hurt!"

Her cocoon then lit up and dropped her to the floor. Lara was impaled by a piece of steel pike. She bit her teeth and yanked the steel pike off. Strangely, it didn't hurt at all, and in fact it felt quite good.

Without having much time to think, she stumbled forward. The next thing she saw was a female corpse hanging on the wall.

"What is this place? What happened to you?"

All these grotesque surrounding was a bit too much for Lara. She pushed herself forward. While she was burning off some obstacles on her path, she suddenly heard a piercing, wailing scream coming from deep beneath the cave.

"THE PRECIOUSSS IS GONE! SOMEONE STOLES IT! SOMEONE STOLES OUR PRECIOUSSS!"

"Oh shit he must have heard me," Lara mumbled to herself.

She then cleared some more obstacles, and was about to go through a small tunnel when a slimey creature latched onto her legs.

"Give us back our preciousss!" It shouted.

Lara was shocked, but fortunately she managed to kick off the creature before the ceiling collapsed and block it off. Lara then continued on her way. She cleared some more obstacles and solved some puzzles and blew some stuff up.

The cave began to collapse. She ran towards the exit. She jumped over falling cliffs and dodged some falling rocks.

The creature, however, caught up with her. It once again latched onto Lara's legs.

"Preciousss…! Give us back-"

Its sentence was cut off and its pathetic life was ended when a falling rock crushed its skull. Lara meanwhile ran towards the light at the end of the tunnel and managed to escape before the cave imploded.

Standing on top of the cliff, it was then she saw it…the island…the beach…shipwrecks…so many shipwrecks…

And not just shipwrecks…there were planes…submarines…rockets…space shuttles…even flying fucking saucers and alien spaceships…

"My god…" Lara said, "This is huge…this adventure is going to be so kick ass…Tomb Raider is back baby!"

Lara then made her way around the cliffs. In the process, she learned how to walk on a tree trunk, cross a waterfall via a plane wreck, but best of all, she learned how to scramble on a wall. These tricks would prove useful later in her adventuring career.

She then came to an opening and noticed Sam's pack.

"Sam! Sam!" she called, but no one answered.

She began to search through Sam's pack, hoping to find something useful. She managed to find a video camera, a match box, a walkie talkie, and to her delight, Sam's favourite pink dildo. That would come in handy if she were to be stuck on this island forever.

It began to rain. She then continued on her way, searching for other survivors, before she slipped and fell down a steep slope into a coastal forest.

Lara then managed to find a dry spot where she attempted to light a fire. She frowned when she opened her match box to reveal the last remaining matchstick.

"Seriously…who the hell still uses matches to light fires?" Lara mumbled to herself, "Ever heard of a lighter dim wit?"

Luckily, she managed to light the fire in the end. She sat close to the fire and took out Sam's video camera. She then played the videos.

The camcorder was supposed to film footages of Lara and her colleagues doing serious work and research on archaeology. Instead Sam was only using it to film R-rated sex scenes between two secret lesbian lovers. It was full of both short and long clips. Sam had even named the clips herself. It contained such titles as "lesbian couple making hot love", "two hot girls 69 each other to oblivion", "naked shower scene of two hot lesbian lovers", but one particular title caught Lara's attention. Her face darkened when she saw the title "Lara Croft's powerful squirt".

"Sam…" Lara thought to herself, "I am going to kick your ass when I see you…"

Soon, the rain stopped. Lara found herself feeling very hungry. She decided to go hunting. She stumbled upon a dead body with a makeshift bow hanging on its shoulder. Lara nicked the bow for herself. She then proceeded to kill every single deer and rabbit in the region. Because they tasted so good and gave her so much XP. Nope…she didn't even feel sorry for the suckers…

Just as she finished her meal by the camp fire, she heard Roth's voice on the walkie talkie.

"This is Conrad Roth, captain of the Endurance, also known as Titanic Mark II. We are shipwrecked on an island inside the Dragon's Triangle."

"Roth!" Lara said.

"Lara?" Roth replied.

"You're alive!" Lara said.

"Easy, easy…are you ok?" Roth asked, "What happened?"

"I remember the beach," Lara explained, "then it went black and I woke up in a cave…there was this crazy creature and a dead body…"

"Oh God…" Roth said, "Where are you now Lara? Are you safe?"

"It was so horrible…" Lara nearly cried, "It's all my fault…this is all my fault…"

"Lara! Listen to me!" Roth sounded stern, "I sent an SOS from the Endurance, also known as Titanic Mark II, before I abandoned her. Hopefully someone caught it. I've spoken to the others. We're regrouping at my location."

"Please come and get me!" Lara pleaded.

"I have to stay here," Roth explained, "You can do this Lara. Remember when we went to Disney World? You said the key was knowing that all you've got to do, is just keep moving, and ignore-"

"Ignore the Mickey Mouses and Donald Ducks…" Lara continued, "God they are so annoying…"

"Remember everything I've taught you Lara," Roth said, "You're ready for this. And keep your radio on."

"Okay," Lara said.

She then stood up and started walking. It wasn't long before she heard from afar a creepy ass music that sounded like it came straight out of a Japanese horror movie. Lara though, was quite curious and she followed the music. It eventually led her down to the sewer, where she collected her fabled pick axe. She then made her way through the sewer and came up on the other side.

It was there that she reunited with Sam.

"Lara! You're here!" Sam happily exclaimed.

Sam was about to hug Lara, when Lara frowned and held up the camcorder.

"Oh…Sorry about that…" Sam said sheepishly.

Lara shook her head. She could never be mad at Sam. She then gave Sam a hug.

It was then she noticed the strange looking man standing at the side. Lara took a step back, slightly surprised.

"It's ok, he's one of us," Sam explained.

"Sorry to startle you…this place would make any man a little jumpy," the man said, "We just spoke to your crew, they're on their way."

"Look, he bandaged my foot," Sam said.

"Oh it was the least I could do," The strange man said. He then turned to Lara, "My manners, I'm Matthias…a gigolo by trade…"

He then offered his hand. Lara arched her eyebrow. She wondered how such an ugly man could ply his trade working as a male prostitute. She hesitantly shook Matthias' hand. It felt kind of dirty…

The three of them then sat down together. Sam began to regale her companions with her story about Himiko like it was some kind of fairy tale. Lara soon dozed off to the boring story.

When she woke up, she was alone. Sam and Matthias were both missing. Lara quickly went to find them. While she was doing so, she unknowingly stepped on a bear trap. She yelled in pain. It was then she heard wolves howling.

Suddenly wolves began to jump out from the bush and tried to attack her. Being a master marksman though, Lara took them out easily with her bow and arrows. She then made a mental note to herself. Must barbeque the wolves later and see what they taste like…yummy yummy…

Just then, Reyes, Jonah, Whitman, Alex and Grim arrived. They freed Lara from the bear trap.

"It's good to see you, little bird." Jonah said.

"It's good to see you too, big bird." Lara replied. Big bird…That nickname always made her chuckle.

After a brief discussion, it was decided that Whitman would stay with Lara, while the rest headed off to look for Sam. Whitman being Whitman though, was an ass, and it wasn't long before he wandered off and left Lara by herself.

Once Lara was feeling better, she got up and began to explore the area, killing some more wolves in the process. She also found several pages of Sam's journal. She made a mental note to herself. She must tell Sam not to leave her journal everywhere. Certain things were meant to be kept as secrets! She then stumbled upon a secret tomb.

"Downloaded Tomb: Tomb of the Lost Adventurer"

It was a large open area and a swamp. At the centre was a plane wreck. Lara proceeded to solve the puzzle. She managed to climb to the top of the tower and raided its tressure. Just before she left though, something caught her attention.

Sitting right next to the tressure box was a human skeleton. There were some words engraved on the nearby wall. It read:

_Here lies Nathan Drake, greatest adventurer that ever lived._

Lara rolled her eyes. What an amateur…

She then used her pick axe to scribble some more words on the wall, so that it now read:

_Here lies Nathan Drake, greatest adventurer that ever lived._

_Lara Croft was here! Suck on that LOL!_

She then left the tomb and went to join up with Whitman. After upgrading her pick axe, she helped the totally useless Whitman pry open a heavy door. Together, they ventured through the door into the alley beyond, where they came across multiple stone statues. These stone statues were arranged in various sexual positions.

"That female drawing on the gate," Whitman began, "Given its age, it could be the Sun Queen."

"Himiko?" Lara said, "Are you sure you're not channeling Sam?"

"Well, there's no doubt Himiko had power," Whitman replied, "And legend says that she is also very, very sexually promiscuous."

"A woman who wields so much sexual prowess, sooner or later she gets called a whore." Lara said.

"We shouldn't discount anything, even what may seem to us irrational." Whitman continued, "We still have much to learn about the world and the art of love making."

Lara sighed, "You sound just like Sam."

"It could be one hell of a sex education," Whitman said.

"Not if we don't live to try it," Lara replied.

Soon, they reached the end of the alley. They came upon a large female statue with enormous breasts.

"Incredible!" Whitman exclaimed, "It is Himiko!"

"But look, the bowls, the candles…and what the fuck is that?" Lara twisted her face, "Is that…is that dried sperm on her breasts? Why is Himiko still being worshipped?"

"This island," Whitman sounded excited, "It must've once been part of Yamatai! You were right, Lara! It's like finding Atlantis!"

"But this is real, Dr Whitman!" Lara felt excited too, "We're not standing on a myth!"

"No!" Whitman laughed, "We're standing on a sex paradise!"

Just then, they were ambushed by some Russian speaking thugs. Whitman, being a useless ass, surrendered unconditionally. Lara, being English, almost felt compelled to make a French joke about it, but she held back.

She was then tied up and taken away by the thugs. They soon came to an opening, where Lara noticed that many of the other Endurance crews were being held captive.

"Who are you people?" Lara asked, "What do you want with us?"

"Silence!" The head of the thugs shouted.

"Lara!" One of the captives said. Lara knew him as Deckhand. He always wore the same sea-blue beanie and jeans with a white shirt underneath.

The thugs then knocked Deckhand back onto the ground.

"Don't hurt them please!" Lara pleaded.

"I said silence, girl!" The head of the thugs then started to feel Lara up.

It was then Deckhand did a very brave thing. He stood up and ran, trying to distract the thugs, "Lara! Run!" He shouted.

The head of the thugs then shot him dead. This sparked a mass break out amongst the captives, and the thugs started massacring all of them.

"Don't you fucking move!" The thug slapped Lara and she fell to the ground. He then left and chased after the escapees.

Lara stood up, still feeling the sting on her cheek. "You will fucking pay for that, asshole!" She mumbled to herself.

She then got back onto her feet and escaped like the others. She had to hide from some other thugs. Nimbly, she made her way to the top of the hill, when she stumbled upon the head of the thug again. Lara tried to hide inside a hut, but she was found out.

"No one escapes," He said, "Out!"

Lara had no choice. She came out.

The thug immediately started feeling her again, "I always find them…" He then smiled lecherously, "My name is Vladimir…and…rape is my specialty…"

Lara kicked his groin. The man stumbled backwards. Lara tried to escape again, but he caught her. He then started kissing her neck. Lara bit off a chunk of his ear. He then screamed and fell backwards. Lara took the opportunity to free herself from the ropes tying her hands. She then fell to the ground, where she found a handgun.

Lara fired a shot. It managed to hit Vladimir in the knee. The man collapsed to the ground, wincing in agony.

Lara stood up. She fired several more shots, hitting Vladimir's other knee and both his shoulders, crippling him entirely.

As Vladimir cried in excruciating pain, Lara looked up to the sky and inhaled, savouring his misery. She never thought inflicting pain on her enemies would feel this good.

She then walked over to Vladimir, towering over him.

"Let me return the favour…" She said calmly, as she uncorked the handgun's cartridge and emptied all the remaining bullets onto her hands. She then unscrewed the bullet caps, "My name is Lara Croft…and killing is my specialty…"

She then poured the fire powder from the bullets into Vladimir's eyes, and stuffed some up his nostrils and ears, and then the rest into his mouth, "Remember that sadistic, innocent looking young girl you sometimes see in horror movies? Well, you've just met one in real life."

Vladimir was by now choking and drowning in gun powder. Lara took a burning torch from a nearby building. She then asked Vladimir, gently, "What's my name?"

Vladimir could only cough and mutter some inaudible words.

"I SAID WHAT'S MY NAME!?" Lara yelled. She then stuffed the burning torch onto Vladimir's genitals.

"AAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!" Vladimir screamed in agony, "LARA! LARA CROFT!"

"And don't you fucking forget it!" Lara then stuffed the burning torch into Vladimir's gapping mouth.

She watched in amusement as Vladimir's face exploded in spectacular style, with fireworks shooting out from his eye sockets, nose, ears and mouth.

Lara once again inhaled deeply…

She felt…elated…

She felt…alive…

"That felt so good…!" She mumbled to herself.

With gun and bow in hand, Lara proceeded to butcher all the thugs in the mountain temple. That night, for the first time in hundreds of years, the island of Yamatai came alive to the music of a sadistic, psychopathic, raging girl.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Having massacred all the thugs in the mountain temple, Lara came upon a narrow cliff. She managed to climb to the top, where she saw Roth trying to fend off a pack of wolves with his handgun.

"Argh! Get back!" Roth yelled at the wolves, "Go on! Get out of here! Go on!"

Lara though, was quite a vengeful spirit. She remembered how Roth had failed to rescue her on board the Endurance, and how he had let her fall into the sea. So, she simply sat there watching and waiting as Roth battled alone. Serve him right!

Once Roth had managed to annihilate the wolves, Lara shouted, "Roth?! Roth I'm coming!" She then ran towards him.

Roth was now unable to stand so he fell onto his ass. When Lara reached him and saw the bad wound on his leg, she almost regretted her own selfish action, until she saw the strange, blissful look on Roth's face.

"Why are you smiling, Roth?" She asked, kneeling beside the wounded man.

"Can you repeat that?" Roth mumbled. Lara noticed the drool on his mouth.

"I asked you, why are you smiling?" Lara repeated.

"No, no, before that…Repeat what you said before that…"

"Before that?" Lara was beginning to feel a bit confused, as she tried to remember what she had said, "Roth I'm coming?"

"Oh yes…yes…say it again…" Roth mumbled, "Say you're cumming…"

Lara frowned as she realised what was happening. She gave the old man a smack on the head.

"What? Huh?" Roth seemed to snap out of it, "Oh Lara, it's good to see you girl."

Lara then inspected Roth's wound, "They did a real number on your leg."

"Nah…looks worse than it is." Roth replied.

"Have you heard from any of the others?" Lara asked.

"Nothing," Roth replied. He then stood up.

"Wait what are you doing?" Lara exclaimed.

"The wolves took my food pack. My Playboy magazine is in it. If we don't get that back, I'm never getting rid of that goo inside my ball sack."

Lara arched her eyebrow, "Roth…we really need to find you a girl…but I thought you were with Reyes?"

"Reyes?" Roth turned serious, "You know what she's like. Can you imagine being romantic with her and sexing her up? One bad move and she'll snap off my cock."

Lara buried her face in her hands. She shook her head, "Can we not talk about these things? Where is the transmitter from the lifeboat? Where are the medicines? Without it I cannot treat your wounds."

"They are also in the pack," Roth said with a grave tone.

"Shit…" Lara sighed in exasperation.

"Exactly," Roth said, "Now…if it's okay with you, could I ask you to remove that singlet you're wearing. You don't even have to do anything else. Just give me the image, so I can then milk my sausage."

Lara gave the old man another smack on the head.

Roth rubbed his head. He then began to look funny, as he slowly slipped to the ground, "Shit…too…much…blood…pooling…in…my…sausage…not…eno ugh…blood…going…to…my…brain…" He then collapsed and fainted.

Lara rolled her eyes. Nevertheless, she pulled Roth to one side and put him in a recovery position. She then started following the wolves' footprints, crossing some river and climbing some old buildings on her way. In the end, she managed to retrieve Roth's backpack from the wolves' lair. She also killed the alpha wolf. She carried some of its meat back to Roth's camp.

There, she bandaged Roth up. She then barbequed the wolf meat and ate them. It tasted kind of weird actually…

It didn't take long for Roth to wake up. Lara then helped him sit back up.

Roth took a look at his bandaged leg, "It's not bad," He smiled, "Where did a young lady like you learn to do a thing like that?"

Lara smiled as well, "Late shift at the Nine Bells. A wolf's got nothing on a broken bottle."

Roth then noticed his backpack, "Hey, you got it. Nice work. Now I have my Playboy magazine back I can finally wank properly."

Lara took a deep breath, "Roth…if you say one more word about it…I…not Reyes…I will snap off your cock."

Roth sulked. He had that look you normally see in a little boy when you take away his toys.

After a while, Lara broke the silence, "So…I assume the plan is to take the transmitter up to the radio tower?"

"That should give us the best shot of broadcasting a strong signal in every direction." Roth said. Lara appeared hesitant. Roth seemed to have noticed it, "Look, Lara, we need to send out that SOS, and with my injured leg and raging boner, I'm not climbing any time soon."

Lara's face darkened. She shot Roth an angry glare.

Roth just stared at Lara. After a while, his lips began to quiver, "Please don't snap my-"

"Shut up!" Lara growled, "What the hell is wrong with you?" She then stood up and sighed, "Look, you just stay here. I will climb to that tower at the mountain top and send off the SOS."

"You can do it, Lara," Roth encouraged, "After all, you're a Croft."

Lara inhaled deeply, "Yes…I am a Croft…and not just that…" A red gleam formed in her eyes, "…I'm the best of its kind." She then took Roth's climb axe and prepared to ascend the cliffs.

Before she left, Roth stopped her, "Lara…" He looked very serious, "May the force be with you."

Lara sighed. She shook her head and turned away.

"Lara!" Roth yelled, "You're supposed to say something back!"

"I-am-not-going-to-say-it-okay?" Lara sounded a bit upset.

"Lara…we've been through this…" Roth said with a stern voice, "It is very important."

"Alright! Alright!" Lara shook her head, "May the force be with you too, there! Happy now?!"

Roth had a proud beam on his face.

Lara sighed again. She then began to climb up the cliffs and ascend the mountains.

It took a while, but she eventually managed to get to the top, killing a few thugs on the way. When she reached the top, she heard Reyes' voice on her walkie talkie.

"Lara, are you there?" The woman asked.

"Reyes!" Lara replied. Her main concern was her beloved girlfriend though, "Did you find Sam?"

"We're still on her trail." Reyes said.

Lara felt a bit disappointed. She was desperate to know that Sam was safe, but she would have to leave the task of finding her girlfriend to Reyes and her group, because she had another important mission at hand, "I'm going to try and send an SOS from an old radio tower up here. Any tips?"

"Hey Lara!" Alex butted in, "You're gonna need to find the communications console. It'll look like a bunch of old switchboards."

"Okay, I'll let you know when I find it." Lara said.

"And don't worry about Sam," Alex added, "We'll find your girlfriend for you."

"What?" Lara asked, feeling a little surprised. Their relationship was supposed to be a secret, "Why did you say that? Where did you get that from?"

"Umm…everyone on the Endurance was talking about it…" Alex said.

"What? God damn it…" Lara said. "Just go find her ok? Lara out!"

She then hung up her walkie talkie. She shook her head and mumbled to herself, "Bloody Sam just can't keep any secrets…."

Lara then continued on her way. She passed some more thugs and made some more killings. She then reached a small campsite, where she rested and watched some Lara / Sam porn on her camcorder to rejuvenate herself.

After she rested, she continued on her way again. She made it into an old WW2 base, where she encountered more thugs whom she easily butchered. The dead bodies were really pilling up now, and with each kill she grew more confident.

She then reached a small room where her path was being blocked by some kind of solid window. She could see through it, but the window appeared to be made of very hard glass, because not even bullets could penetrate it. While trying to find a way through it, a thug suddenly appeared on the other side and began shooting at Lara. It was an empty threat though, because bullets could not get pass that window.

Lara then yanked open a nearby valve, which released a large amount of flammable green gas. She then crouched behind a wall and threw a torch into the gas.

There was a large explosion.

When Lara stood back up, she found the thug crushed beneath a pile of debris. He was groaning in pain. It appeared his legs had been broken.

Lara stole his machine gun. She then crouched down beside him. "Tell me what I want to know, then I may give you a quick death. Give me some more useful information, then I may even let you live. Defy me however, and I'll peel the flesh off your bone. Understand?"

The thug quickly nodded.

"Good," Lara said, "First question, why are you trying to kill us?"

"I don't know," He said, "We're all just following Matthias' orders."

"Why are you following his orders?" Lara asked.

"Because otherwise he'd kill us," He said, "He kills all the non-believers."

"What does he want?" Lara asked.

"He wants what all of us want," He said, "To get off this island."

"How would killing us accomplish that?" Lara asked.

"I don't know…" The thug quivered, "Please I really don't know!"

Lara's face darkened, "Really? Anything else you can tell me then?"

"I've told you everything I know! Please!" The thug pleaded.

"How many of you are in this base?" Lara asked.

"I don't know," He replied, "Dozens maybe?"

"Good," Lara said. A red gleam formed in her eyes, "Let them know I'm here. I want them all in one place. It's easier to kill them that way. Saves me the trouble of having to look around."

She then took out an arrow. She began to use its sharp end to slice pieces of flesh off the thug's body.

"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!" The thug's scream echoed throughout the entire building.

Once Lara was satisfied that her enemies had heard her signal, she stood back up.

"Why…" The thug cried. His entire body was now a mess, "Why are you doing this…?"

Lara glared at him. "You asked me why? You, who tried to kill me earlier, dare to ask me this stupid question?" She then crouched back down, "Your skull must be very thick!"

The thug began to tremble in fear.

"Let us play a game," Lara said. She then took out her arrow again, "See this arrow? This pointy bit here? Let's see if your skull is thick enough to block it, eh? I'll stab it on your head. If it can't get through your skull, then I'm right, you do have a thick skull. I win the game, I get to kill you."

She then continued, "But if it gets through your skull and into your brain, then I'm wrong, you don't have a thick skull. In that case, you win the game. I will then apologise for insulting you, and I'll leave you alone and spare your life. How does that sound? Ready?"

The thug began to cry.

"One, two, three!" Lara brought the arrow down. It stabbed right through the thug's skull, into his brain, and out from the other side of the head.

"Shit…looks like I was wrong," Lara smiled, "You don't have a thick skull. You win the game! I'll leave you be then!"

Lara then left the lifeless body and proceeded into the next room, where about two dozen thugs tried to ambush her. Lara was well prepared though. It took her only a minute to massacre them all. She then continued on her way until she reached the communications console.

To her disappointment, the console was old and dusty and no longer functioning.

She then called Alex, who explained to her that she would need to climb to the top of some old tower and manually broadcast the signal from there.

Lara then made her way to the top of the tower. En route, she had to wriggle her sexy ass through a narrow corridor surrounded by steaming hot metal. Man…Sam would have got so turned on had she seen it…

She then had to make her way through the tower base, where she killed more thugs. She then began to climb the tower itself.

It took a while, but she eventually reached the tower top.

She connected her walkie talkie to the switch. "Mayday, mayday, this is Lara Croft of the Endurance. We're stranded on an island in the Dragon's Triangle. We need help and medical supplies. Please respond."

"Lara!" Roth's voice suddenly butted in from the walkie talkie, "You have to do it right!"

"What?" Lara asked.

"You didn't do it right, Lara!" Roth sounded quite upset, "You have to say its proper name!"

"God damn it! I'm not going to say it, okay?" Lara frowned.

"We've been through this many times!" Roth urged, "It is very important!"

"Alright! Alright!" Lara yelled, "Fine! I'll say it! God damn it…" She then tried to broadcast her signal again, "Mayday, mayday, this is Lara Croft of the Endurance, also known as Titanic Mark II, we're stranded on an island inside-"

Just then, to Lara and everyone's delight, a voice interrupted, "This is aircraft N177A. Searching for you since the distress call from your vessel. Almost given up hope!"

"So had we!" Lara cried.

"We've got your approximate position, but we could sure use a visual." The voice replied. "Some boobies would come in handy, I've always got a sharp eye for boobies."

Lara arched her eyebrow, "Alright…uh…I'll figure something out…"

"We'll be heading your way soon, out!" The voice ended the communication.

"Ahahahahaha wooohooo!" Alex began to sound annoyingly over excited, "Lara Croft you're my hero! Yyyeeeaaahhh! Oh my god what the fuck! Reyes just took off her clothes! S-She's flashing her boobies…I-I think she's desperate to get rescued…I don't think the rescue pilots will notice though…they kind of look too small…"

Lara could hear some angry shouting on the other end. Then there was a loud smack. Then the radio got cut off.

She shook her head. She then climbed down the tower and descended onto an old make shift landing strip, where she finally collected her automatic torch lighter and blew up some fuel to attract the rescue pilots.

The plane duly came. Lara was waving enthusiastically, when something really weird happened.

A storm came out of nowhere, out of the clear blue sky, and struck down the plane. Even weirder, was a loud female voice booming in the sky, speaking in Japanese.

_Baka! Aishteru annatawa kawaii manko des!_

Lara had no bloody idea what it meant. She then turned and ran, sliding down the hill, as the plane crashed and exploded behind her Hollywood style.

Luckily, Lara managed to escape the carnage unharmed. She then made her way through Cliffside village, where she witnessed the first pilot getting killed. She then killed off those thugs herself. She continued on her way until she reached a small campsite, where Roth called her.

"Lara! What the hell happened?"

"The storm! It came out of nowhere!" Lara said, "It's like the sky just farted and took down the plane!"

"My God…" Roth said, "That explains the horrible stench I keep smelling!"

"…Roth…I was being rhetorical…" Lara said, "…I think what you're currently smelling is your own body odour…"

"What? Impossible!" Roth said, "I've been using deodorant!"

"What deodorant?" Lara asked.

"You know…those cans that Alex brought onto the ship…" Roth said, "I've been spraying them on myself. I was particularly generous with them on my armpits."

Lara shook her head, "Those were insecticides."

This was followed by a long silence.

After a while, Lara spoke again, "Roth?"

Roth though, was quick to change the subject, "Listen Lara, I saw the crash from here, so you must be close to my position. Just get back here safe!"

"Alright…" Lara replied, "On my way…"

She then continued on, killing more thugs on the Cliffside. She also acquired her rope arrow. It wasn't long before she finally caught up with Roth back at Mountain Village.

"I'm really glad you moved," Lara said.

"You and me both girl," Roth said, "By the way, just so you know, I've had a proper wank since we last saw each other, so I'm feeling a lot better now."

Lara shot him an angry glare.

Roth swallowed an audible gulp, "Alright alright…! We won't talk about it…" He then asked, "What happened up there?"

Lara shook her head. She then sighed, "One moment they were fine…the next…there was this storm. It came out of nowhere."

"It's not your fault, Lara." Roth said.

"I called them here, Roth." Lara said, feeling a little guilty.

"Hey, we'll find another way." Roth said.

Just then, a second pilot's voice came through the walkie talkie, "Mayday, mayday, this is co-pilot Jessop of aircraft N177A. We missed the boobies and crashed badly! I got badly hurt and I need urgent aid! I've deployed a smoke signal. Please respond!"

"Hello? Can you hear me? Captain Jessop do you read?" Lara asked, but the pilot could not hear her. "Damn it he can't hear me. I have to get to him."

Lara was about to go when Roth stopped her. "No, we got our own people to worry about. We'll need to regroup as soon as they find your girlfriend."

"What?" Lara said, "You know about it too?"

"Lara, everyone knows about it." Roth said, "Anyway, you shouldn't go find that pilot. Sometimes, you've got to make sacrifices. You can't save everyone."

"I know about sacrifices." Lara was adamant.

"No," Roth said, "You know about loss. Sacrifice is a choice made for you. Loss is a choice you make."

There was a long pause.

Lara arched her eyebrow, "…Are you sure it's not the other way around?"

Roth just stared at Lara with a dumb look on his face. He then continued, "With great responsibility, comes great power."

Lara shook her head, "That still doesn't sound right."

"Left is right, and right is wrong." Roth continued to wear that dumb look on his face.

Lara sighed, "Look…Roth…I know you're trying to impress me with some deep shit, but you really should stop. It's getting embarrassing."

With a defeated look on his face, Roth then went to a corner and sat down. He began to sulk.

Lara shook her head again. She then began to make her way to the second pilot. On her way, she also took time to explore the Mountain Village properly. She also managed to steal some eagle eggs. Whether they were half boiled, full boiled, or used to make omelette, they just tasted absolutely delicious. Yummy…yummy…

She eventually reached the cliff side where she found the pilot's abandoned parachute and bags. She continued on her way. She then came upon an alley which was full of small and large stone statues arranged in various sexual positions. They were very similar to the ones she had found at the Mountain Temple.

"These ruins predate the Kofun period," Lara said to herself, as she looked around. She studied the patterns on the statues and wall, "A pilgrimage…An orgy…A queen…Himiko?"

Perhaps most interestingly, was the fact that many of these statues had dried sperm on their bodies. "Incredible…" Lara mumbled, "What is happening here?"

She then continued on her way and finally she reached the gates of the Chasm Monastery. She saw the second pilot sitting on the bridge. He was severely wounded.

"Captain Jessop!" Lara ran to his aid.

It was then she realised that it was all a trap. Matthias and his thugs appeared on top of the gates. He grinned devilishly, "For a child you've caused me a great deal of trouble, but you're just as naïve and predictable! Kill her!"

The thugs then threw some oil barrels at her. They then shot some fire arrow onto the barrels, which exploded, stunning Lara into semi consciousness. She then heard some animalistic growls, and the thugs' panicky screams. She could just about see some Samurai warriors killing the thugs, before she passed out completely.

When she woke up, she was being tied up and hanging on the ceiling. She then used her incredible strength to break off the bondage and free herself.

"Hmm…bondage…that sounds kinky…maybe I could try it with Sam next time," Lara thought to herself.

She then saw the shadow of an enormous Samurai figure walking outside the room. Lara ignored it for now, as she made her way out of the room via a secret tunnel. Once she was outside, she continued to make her way across a narrow ridge by the cliff. There, she collected her shotgun. She then climbed up a window and landed in a ritual chamber.

"I hate tombs!" She said. She didn't really mean it though. She was the Tomb Raider after all. It was just a bad joke.

She then looked around the ritual chamber. There, she discovered Himiko's decaying body, as well as some paintings depicting some sort of fire and ascension rituals.

She was then ambushed by some more thugs. She killed them all. She then made her way to the bell room, where she was ambushed by even more thugs. She killed them all again. It wasn't even one third into her adventure at this stage, and already she had lost count of how many men she had butchered. She was supposed to be a vulnerable girl in her new adventure. It was all just a big ass lie…

The bell tower then collapsed. Then the entire building collapsed. Then there was this giant Samurai chasing her and some other thugs. Then everything exploded and collapsed. Lara eventually found herself back at the bottom of Mountain Village. It was there that Sam called her via the walkie talkie.

"Hello? Hello?" Her sweet voice said.

"Sam!" It's Lara!" Lara said, relieved that her girlfriend was safe.

"Oh God Lara, it's good to hear your voice!" Sam said.

"Yours too Sam, is the rest of the crew with you?" Lara asked.

"No, I've just managed to steal this radio off a guard." Sam said.

Lara began to worry, "A guard?"

"I've been kidnapped," Sam said.

"What? Where are you?" Lara asked.

"I don't know…some old Japanese palace…" Sam said, "They keep talking about a fire ritual…they said something like…like fire cannot kill a dragon…I don't know what that's supposed to mean…I'm fucking terrified…Oh shit…someone's coming. I've got to hide this thing!"

The radio then got cut off.

"Sam? Sam?" Lara said, but there was no answer. A grave concern began to set it. "A fire ritual…like the mural in Himiko's tomb…"

Lara then made contact with Roth. They both decided to head towards the Japanese palace.

Lara then made her way through some cliffs and killed some more thugs. She then came upon an old abandoned house by the cliff. It was there Sam contacted her again.

"Oh God…that was close…are you there?" Sam said.

"I'm here Sam!" Lara said, once again relieved her girlfriend was safe, "Are you okay?"

"What do they want with me, Lara? A fire ritual? This is so fucked up! It's not even kinky!" Sam sobbed.

"Listen, I'm coming to get you. I'm going to get you out of there!" Lara said.

"Please, please help me Lara!" Sam pleaded.

"I promise," Lara was determined, "I promise, Sam."

Just then, the thugs appeared to have noticed Sam. Lara could hear some struggle from the other end.

"Aaah! Aaah! Help me! Please!" Sam sounded like she was in danger. "No! No!"

"Sam!? Sam!?" Lara yelled, "Stay away from her you bastards! Stay way!"

And then it was silence.

Lara could only hear some heavy breathing from a man at the other end.

Lara then spoke, her voice steely, "I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you're looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have, are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired from being born a Croft, and from the endless killings I've dished out on you lots over the past few days. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my girlfriend go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will make you suffer so much you'd wish I'd just kill you instead."

"Good luck." The male voice replied. He then hung up the phone.

Lara gritted her teeth, with the red gleam in her eyes burning brighter than ever.

_They say a girl can be an artist…in anything…it depends on how good she is at it…_

_Lara's art is death…_

_And she's about to paint her masterpiece…_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Lara made her way down the Mountain Village. On her way, she had to kill more thugs, slide down some rapid waters, jump off a waterfall, trigger a parachute, and glide herself to safety. It was all very adrenalin fuelled, but she sustained an open wound to her abdomen.

She eventually reached Shanty Town. She began to look for first aid. Even in her injured state, she managed to kill another dozen of useless thugs before she got to a helicopter wreck.

She didn't find first aid there though. Rather, she found a lighter. She used it to burn her arrow head red hot. She then jammed it onto her open wound.

"AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

She screamed. It was the most powerful orgasm she had ever had. Well…the most powerful…except those times when Sam used her magic tongue to work on Lara's genitals. Nevertheless, she was quite sure whoever heard her would've rather enjoyed her erotic scream.

Regardless, it came as a surprise. Cauterizing wounds were supposed to be very painful, but Lara rather enjoyed it.

"I suppose pleasure and pain are two sides of the same coin," Lara shrugged. She then made some modification to her bow with the lighter, so she could now shoot fire arrows.

She then made contact with old man Roth, who by now sounded like he was a cramped up mess still struggling to descend the mountains to reach her.

Lara rolled her eyes. She would just have to take on Matthias and his thugs alone.

Suddenly, she was attacked by an enormous horde of thugs. She massacred them all effortlessly.

She then made her way through a huge gate to the other side of Shanty Town. There, she found Grim beating and killing some other thugs. Grim sounded quite happy to see Lara, but before Lara could climb up a ladder to reach him, more thugs appeared and they blew up the ladder.

Lara then had to kill them all. She then went along the other route to get to Grim, killing more thugs on her way. It took a while, but she eventually managed to reach an elevated plateau right next to Grim's. There, she fought another skirmish with more thugs and easily butchered them all.

By then, the thugs seemingly understood they could never defeat Lara in a straight fight. So they took out Grim, who was being held hostage, and used him as leverage.

"Drop your weapons!" The thug shouted, "Or we kill your friend!"

"Don't fucking do it!" Grim shouted.

The thug then made a cut on Grim's neck, drawing blood.

"Okay! Okay!" Lara yielded. She then dropped her weapons.

"That's nothing pal, I grew up in Glasgow!" Grim growled. He then took a deep breath, with his eyes glassy and staring into the distance. "I'm a proud son of Scotland, and I've dreamt of this moment since 1995."

He looked kind of weird talking like that. Lara, and even the thugs, all just stared at him feeling a little confused.

"I've come to fight as a free man, and a free man I am! Yes…Fight, and I may die…surrender, and I'll live…at least for a while." Grim continued. His face began to look very animated, "And dying in my bed, many years from now, would I be willing to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance! To come back here and tell my enemies, that they may take my life, but they'll never take my freedom!"

"Grim…" Lara wiped a tear from her eye, "…That was beautiful…"

She then watched in horror as Grim broke free of the thug and began to fight them. In the end, he managed to kill them all, but the last thug dragged him and together they fell off a cliff to their deaths.

"Grim! No!" Lara cried. She then fell on her knees, "No…Grim…I'll make them pay…"

It took her a while to calm down. She then stood back up and swinged to the other plateau. She then began to climb over the cliff via a rope. It was then more thugs appeared and they cut off her rope. Lara fell towards the cliff, but luckily she managed to hang on to the wall with her climb axe.

She found herself in a desperate situation, as the thugs started firing arrows at her. It was then Roth came to her rescue and killed the thugs with a sniper rifle.

Lara then climbed to the top of the cliff.

"Thanks Roth…" She spoke through her walkie talkie. She then hesitated, "…Roth...there's something I need to tell you…"

"Yeah? What is it?" Roth asked.

"…Grim's dead…" Lara said, "They tried to use him a leverage to make me surrender, but he wouldn't let them. He also said something about life and freedom before he died. It…It was a very beautiful speech…I'm so sorry…"

There was a long pause, before Roth spoke again, "Grim…you stupid bastard. I told you that movie was shit!"

He then continued, "Don't be sorry, Lara. Just make it count. We'll raise a glass to the old man when we get out of here."

Lara then continued on her way. Roth informed her that there was a rescue helicopter on its way to evacuate them. He also suggested that Lara crossed the bridge via the underside to get to the palace, while he provided cover with his sniper rifle.

Lara proceeded to cross the bridge. While doing so, she overheard some guys talking on top.

"So Leon, what do you think of the outsider?" One man asked the other, "Who do you think she really is?"

"I don't know," Leon said, "Maybe she's some kind of ninja. I heard she can fade in and out of shadows, and strike lethally when you least expect it. She's fast, agile, and supremely deadly. So yeah…I think maybe she's a ninja."

"What?" The other man said, "That's absurd. Ninja's aren't real, man."

"Alright, big guy," Leon said, "Why don't you tell me what you think then? What do you think she is?"

"That's obvious," The other man said, "She uses shadow as her weapon. She's fast, strong, lethal and deadly. There could only be one answer. She is Batman!"

"My God, Chris," Leon said, "You really need to stop reading those junk. So Batman is real now and ninjas aren't? Besides, haven't you heard her sexy accent? She sounds nothing like Batman!"

"Alright alright…" Chris said, "Let's for now just agree that she's a Bat-Ninja. How does that sound?"

Leon sighed, "Let's just ask Albert when we see him. He seems to know his shit."

"Albert is a dumbass, man," Chris said, "He knows nothing!"

"Look, Chris," Leon said, "You really need to put aside whatever beef you have with him. The three of us are all in this together. I want to see my Ada again, and you want to see your Jill. To get off this island, we all need to work with each other."

It was then Lara came to an opening and one of the thugs spotted her. Chaos ensued. The thugs started screaming. Roth started shooting. Lara continued to climb forward as fast as she could. Predictably, it all came down to shit being blown up again, and Lara had to escape the carnage by jumping from one building to another. She eventually survived though and made it into the cultists' lair via a sewer.

She then came upon the cultists' gathering, where Matthias was giving his speech. She noticed Sam being tied to a post as the thugs prepared for the fire ritual.

Her grave concern for her girlfriend's well-being clouded her thinking. Lara attacked rather recklessly, and was soon overpowered by the horde of thugs. She was severely beaten and then dragged to Matthias. She did make a mental note though. Those two thugs who beat her were named Dmitri and Nikolai.

The fire ritual continued. Lara watched helplessly as Matthias lit the fire beneath Sam's pyre. It began to burn. Sam was crying. Lara was crying too. Her heart ached. She wished that a gust of wind would suddenly come to douse the fire, but it didn't. She watched in horror as the flame consumed both Sam and the pyre.

Only it wasn't true.

When the fire had faded, and the smoke cleared, from the ashes, there stood Sam, unharmed, unburnt, in all her naked glory.

"She…she's the one! Fire cannot kill a dragon!" Matthias said excitedly, "Blood of my blood!" He then knelt down.

The rest of the cult all echoed in unison, "Blood of my blood!" They then all knelt down as well.

However, one thug dared to question, "But…but where are the dragons?"

He was quickly shot dead by Matthias.

Matthias then motioned for Dmitri to take Sam to the throne room, while Nicolai took Lara to the pits.

Lara took the opportunity to ask a burning question, "So…I kind of wonder how you guys let off…" She began, "I mean…you have Sam and I, two very hot girls, and there's no other woman on this island…except…well…Reyes…but let's not count her. And now you're just going to throw me into some sort of prison and that's it? You don't even want to get a feel? Are you all, like, gay?"

"Shut up," Nicolai said sternly, "Our seeds are not to be used for this purpose. We have other work to do."

"Really?" Lara arched her eyebrow, "Vladimir was a knob, but at least what he did made sense."

Nicolai then turned Lara around and studied her closely. He then spat on the floor. "Nah…you look like shit. I'm not into blood and mud and scars." He then laughed and pushed Lara forward.

Lara made a mental note. For that insult, she must make Nicolai suffer twice as much before she kills him later.

They then came upon a bridge overlooking the pits. Lara took Nicolai by surprise when she suddenly kicked his balls and snatched back her bow. However, she was still outnumbered. She then jumped from the bridge into the pool below before Nicolai and his thugs could catch her.

The pool itself was actually filled with human and animal blood. Lara emerged from it coated with sticky blood on her skin. She then made her way through to the pits.

Standing on a ledge, she saw some thugs pushed a man through a small gate. "Don't struggle too much!" They laughed.

Lara though, was surprised, as the man was none other than Deckhand himself, with his typical blue jeans and white shirt and the blue beanie. Lara thought he had perished during the Mountain Temple roundup, but apparently not. She then watched in horror as Deckhand was cannibalised by the crazed pit prisoners.

With bow in hand, Lara proceeded to kill all the prisoners, even the ones that were caged, to gain some cheap XP. She then blew up the gates, and killed the guards stationed outside. As she made her way through the caverns, she eventually came upon a strange ritual, where she saw several thugs wanking to some stone statues. Lara shot a fire arrow into some green gas and blew them all up. She then continued her escape. Soon, the caves began to implode as the green gas became unstable. Lara continued to run and finally she reached a large opening where she found Alex, Reyes and Jonah caged up inside.

Lara killed the guards. She then blew some stuff up and managed to free her crewmates. Being the ass that they were though, they all decided to just run away and escape, leaving Lara to save Sam by herself.

Lara ascended deeper into the palace, where she found the whole place burning. She continued on her way, killing some more thugs.

She eventually came to a strange room. It appeared to have belonged to Matthias. On the wall were stuck dozens of pictures of various locales on Yamatai, as well as paintings of Himiko. Most interestingly though, there was a statue of Himiko standing at the corner, and predictably, some dried sperm on it.

"Why is Matthias so interested in Himiko?" Lara asked herself, "Why is everyone jerking off to Himiko's statues?"

So many questions…so little time…

Lara quickly grabbed Matthias' diary and exited the room. She continued on her way, killing more thugs. She eventually came to a corridor where she saw Whitman.

"Lara, you're alive!" He said.

Lara looked at him with steely eyes, "Of course I am, what is dead may never die."

Whitman looked confused, "What?"

Lara gave him a hard smack on the head. "What happened to you?"

Whitman was still confused as he rubbed his sore head, "Once they stopped seeing me as a threat, they let me move about almost freely! On one condition though, I had to jerk off a few times to some stone statues of Himiko. Don't ask me why."

Lara arched her eyebrow, "Really?" She then mumbled to herself, "Why are they doing this?" She then turned to Whitman again, "Did you know the others were captured?"

"Yes yes…Sam's in there but I couldn't free her without a weapon!" He pointed to the throne room behind him. "These Solarii are an anthropological marvel, Lara!"

Lara gave him another hard smack. "These people are sheep to my lion, and they're here to be slaughtered, that's all. Now if you say one more word to piss me off, I'll make you join their flock and hunt you down!"

Whitman whimpered and started to cry.

Lara shook her head. She then proceeded to the throne room. There, she found Matthias, Sam, and Dmitri.

"I don't think you understand. You have been chosen, Samantha." Matthias said, "This is a great honour for you, for all of us. Imagine all the sex you will have once you receive her powers! Some were beginning to doubt we'd ever find you, but here you are…"

"Please," Sam pleaded, "I know you think I'm something special, but I'm not. I don't want to be chosen."

"This is not about what you want, it's about what you are," Matthias continued, "Himiko's blood runs in your veins. I think you know this, Samantha. Have you never wondered why you're always this horny? You're the Sun Queen's descendent, that's why."

"You're insane Matthias," Sam cried, "Why are you doing this?"

"You're searching for logic and reason where there is none. I made the same mistake once, back when I thought ships could reach us and planes wouldn't get struck down by loud farts shooting from the sky!"

"I just want to go home!" Sam continued to cry, "I just want to go back to Lara!"

Hiding behind a pillar, Lara's heart melted instantaneously. Her eyes then burnt with fire when she saw Matthias grab her girlfriend by her throat, choking her.

"I've waited years for this moment. I've given my life." He then shoved Sam to the floor, "Don't you think I tried to get away from here? From this sex crazed island? Even as a gigolo I find this place torturing! We're all trapped here in some kind of rhetorical kinky bondage, but you, Samantha, you have the power to release us! Many have given up their souls willingly for this gift!"

It was then another thug appeared and told Matthias that the fire was getting worse. Matthias then left with the thug, ordering Dmitri to guard Sam with his life.

"Just you wait, all of you…" Sam choked, "Lara will come for me. She will come and save me…"

Dmitri laughed, "Good luck."

Lara's face darkened. She recognised the voice. It was the same man she had spoken to earlier in the walkie talkie. She wanted to exact her vengeance, but a quick death would be undeserving for Dmitri. On the other hand, she didn't want to torture him in front of Sam.

In the end, she sneaked up behind Dmitri and knocked him unconscious from the back. She would let the man live a bit longer and destroy him another time.

"Lara! Oh my god you're here!" Sam chirped happily. She then ran and hugged Lara, "I was beginning to think I was going crazy!"

"It's okay, it's okay, it's going to be okay," Lara soothed. She then planted her lips on her girlfriend's, who kissed back with all the might of a thankful, horny woman.

Lara then retrieved her stolen weapons from Dmitri. She then took Sam's hands and together they exited the throne room.

However, they soon came face to face with betrayal, as Whitman appeared to have led Matthias and his thugs back to recapture Lara and Sam. Lara tried to hold them off with her guns, while asking Sam to return to the throne room.

It was then that the two got separated again, as the fire began to really get worse and the ceiling began to collapse. At Lara's urge, Sam quickly left the scene and escaped.

Lara was then surrounded and ambushed by hordes of thugs. With her eyes glowing red, she proceeded to butcher them all with extra vigour. Once they had all been wiped out, she noticed Dmitri's body still collapsed on the floor.

"Well," Lara looked around, "Now's a good time."

She then tied Dmitri spread eagle style to a stone table. Lara then unzipped her pants and pissed onto the thug's face. This managed to wake him up as he choked and drowned in urine.

Lara gave his face a few slaps, "Hey, hey, are you with me?"

Dmitri slowly came about. His eyes were calm and cold as he stared at Lara.

"I told you I'd find you," Lara smiled. With each hand, she grabbed an arrow. She then stabbed both arrows into Dmitri's knees in one fell move.

Dmitri groaned. He gritted his teeth, but did not show any other sign of pain.

"Oh you're a tough one, aren't you?" Lara chuckled.

She then unzipped Dmitri's pants and yanked out his genitals. Her face darkened, and her eyes glowed red, "I promise you the next bit's gonna hurt."

With an arrow in hand, Lara stuck the pointy end on the skin of Dmitri's penis near its base. She then drew a circle around it. Blood began to gush out. Dmitri's breaths grew rapid. He was clearly in pain. Lara then grabbed hold of his foreskin and yanked.

Dmitri's whole penile skin came off in one fell swoop.

His screams thundered through the halls.

Lara laughed, "I told you…I'd make you suffer so much you'd wish I'd just kill you instead. I'm a woman of my word." With Dmitri still screaming, Lara sliced open his scrotum and removed his two testicles. She then wrapped the two lumps inside his torn foreskin.

"I hope you like dumplings," Lara said as she shoved the sac into Dmitri's mouth, "You will swallow it within 30 seconds. Do it, and I'll grant you your death. Fail, and I will keep torturing you."

Lara then started counting. She watched in amusement as Dmitri chomped down his own genitals. To his credit though, he managed to swallow its entirety within 30 seconds.

"Open your mouth and show me," Lara commanded.

Dmitri sobbed as he opened his mouth. Lara then shoved her shotgun down his throat.

"You will wander the underworld with no knees, and no balls. You will be laughed at. You will be scorned at. You will have no pride. You will be known as Dmitri, the man who ate his own genitals." Lara said with a calm voice, "Say hi to Vladimir for me."

She then pulled the trigger.

Lara then left the headless corpse and went after Sam. She fought her way out of the building, killing more thugs. She then came to an opening, where she came face to face with Nikolai.

"Go! All of you! Find the chosen one!" He growled. He then pointed a sentry gun at Lara, "This one is mine!"

Lara quickly ducked behind a wall as a hail of bullets began firing her way.

"Guess today's my lucky day," Lara grinned, "I get to settle my score with two assholes."

She then sprinted and ducked from one wall to the other, until she eventually climbed up to an elevated plateau and slid towards Nikolai via a rope. She managed to kick Nikolai and unbalance him, but the man quickly got back to his feet and pushed Lara down from the rooftop. Lara groaned in pain as she landed hard on the floor. She then looked up to see Nikolai pointing his handgun at her. He fired a few shots and missed.

"I'll fucking kill you, child!" He yelled and continued to fire.

Fortunately, Lara found a grenade launcher beside her. She fired her shot and it blew Nikolai from the rooftop. The man landed on the floor behind her.

Lara stood up. She watched as Nikolai struggled on the ground. His legs appeared to be broken. Nikolai had a pained look on his face, as he crawled slowly towards a nearby handgun and tried to grab it.

Lara was very quick though. She jumped over, and swung her pick axe down onto Nikolai's hand, pinning it to the ground. The man yelped in pain. Lara then climbed on top of him, grabbed his other hand, and twisted his fingers. She could feel the bones break as Nikolai screamed in agony.

Lara then grabbed her rifle and hammered its butt onto Nikolai's face. She grinned as Nikolai's front teeth fell off and he choked in a mouthful of blood.

"You look like shit." Lara said, smiling.

"Fuck you!" Nikolai spat.

Lara jumped off his body. She then took an arrow and stabbed it into Nikolai's ass.

"AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" He screamed in agony.

And the screams grew louder and more desperate as Lara began to arrow-fuck his asshole.

"PLEASE STOP! PLEASE! I BEG YOU!" He pleaded.

Lara crouched down beside him, "So…Vladimir was your best buddy, right?"

Nikolai could only cry.

"I kind of feel bad, you know, for killing him," Lara soothed as she gently brushed Nikolai's hair, "But I know! Why don't I make it up for you? I'll show you how he died! Then you two can talk about it when you see each other again!"

There was terror in Nikolai's eyes. Lara smiled as she uncorked the grenade bullets. She then poured its fire powder into Nikolai's eyes, and stuffed some up his nostrils and ears, and the rest into his mouth.

"Don't worry," Lara said, "You will look very pretty."

She then took a burning torch and jammed it into Nikolai's mouth. She crouched down and watched in amusement as Nikolai's face exploded in spectacular style, with pretty fireworks shooting from his eye sockets, nose, ears and mouth.

Lara then left the charred body behind. She then used her grenade launcher to blow up a metal door. As she stepped through the door, the remaining thugs began to scramble and scream for mercy.

"It's the girl!" They screamed, "Run!"

"That's right! Run you cowards!" Lara laughed, "I'm coming for you all!"

And as they ran, Lara pursued them, hunted them, and butchered them all.

She then continued on her way. It wasn't long before she spotted Sam, who was holding a handgun and trying to fend off a pack of thugs.

Lara quickly swung towards her direction, taking down more thugs on her way. Eventually, she managed to catch up with Sam, but they were separated on two different sides of a large gate. Sam pleaded for Lara to climb over. Lara instead urged her to go find Roth, but advised her not to board the helicopter.

Lara then climbed over a building and swung herself towards the bridge. Roth's helicopter arrived. Matthias' thugs began to fire grenades at them. As Lara ran across the bridge, buildings and bridges alike were exploding and falling, and men were dying like flies.

Lara then began to ascend a burning tower, hoping to reach Roth and warn him about the storms.

It took a while, but eventually she managed to reach the top.

"Roth! Roth!" Lara shouted, "Where are you?!"

Just then, the helicopter appeared before her. Roth was standing inside, "I'm here girl!" He then waved for Lara to jump, "Come on! Jump!"

Lara hesitated. She remembered what had happened on the Endurance. She remembered it very, very well.

Roth continued to pressure for Lara to jump.

Lara looked around her. Everything was burning and collapsing. She really didn't have a choice.

She then made a dash towards the helicopter and jumped, screaming as she did, "Don't you fucking let go this time old man!"

Roth caught her. Predictably, his shoulder cramped up again. "Aaarrrggghhh! My shoulder! My shoulder is cramping!"

"God damn it!" Lara growled, but this time she held firmly and didn't let go. She slowly climbed on board the helicopter via Roth's arm. She stood up inside the helicopter, as Roth slumped on one side, heaving and puffing and wincing in agony.

Lara then tried to persuade the pilot to land the helicopter, and warned him about the danger of the storms. However, he didn't listen. Roth wasn't much help either.

Eventually, the helicopter got hit by a lightning and crashed, killing the pilot instantaneously.

When Lara regained consciousness, she was still on the floor, choking. Roth had just performed CPR on her, and thank god it worked. Roth pulled her back onto her feet and dragged her to safety.

It was then they were ambushed by Matthias and his thugs. Roth sacrificed himself when he shielded Lara from an axe thrown by Matthias himself. The axe lodged deep into his back. Roth still managed to kill most of the thugs though, but Matthias escaped.

Roth then collapsed to the floor. As Lara looked at his injuries, reality began to set in. Roth's wounds were fatal. A lump formed in Lara's throat, and her eyes watered.

"I…Roth…I can't do this without you…" She found herself choking.

"I'm sorry, Lara," Roth gasped, "I'm sorry. You can do this…After all…you're a Croft…"

Lara moved over and hugged Roth, sobbing as she did. She could just feel Roth's life seeping away. And suddenly, all of Roth's typical goofiness, cheekiness, and at times downright silliness…they didn't seem to matter anymore…

"Lara…" He said, "Can you do one last thing for me…?"

"Yes, what is it?" Lara sobbed.

"Sing me a song…sing My Heart Will Go On…" Roth said softly.

Lara looked up at the man she considered her father figure. It was his favourite song, from his favourite movie. She then laid Roth down on her lap. She began to sing.

"Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you…this is how I know you go on…

Far across the distance, and spaces, between us…this is how I know you go on…

Near, far, wherever you are…I believe that the heart does go on…once more you open the door, and you're here in my heart…and my heart will go on and on…"

As Lara continued to sing, streaks of tears made their way down her cheeks. She watched on as Roth's eyes began to fade, and a peaceful smile formed on his face. And as she sang the last words, there was only stillness left in Roth's body.

"You're here…there's nothing I fear…and I know that my heart will go on…

We'll stay forever this way…

You are safe in my heart…and my heart will go on and on…"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Lara was still sitting beside Roth, mourning for his passing, when the rest of the crew arrived.

"No! No!" Reyes cried, as she ran to Roth and cuddled his body.

Sam crouched down beside Lara, "Are you okay, Lara?"

Reyes shot them an angry glare, "Is she okay?! Because it's all about Lara, isn't it?! Have you forgotten that she's the reason we're here?!"

There was a long pause. Sam, Reyes, Alex and Jonah just looked at each other. They all wore the same sad expression on their faces.

After a while, Sam spoke, "Well…this IS Tomb Raider…It IS all about Lara…She's the main cast and the rest of us are just supporting crew…I know it sounds unfair, but that's the reality."

Reyes looked defeated, "You're right, I shouldn't have said that. It was stupid of me. It's just…Roth…I don't know what we're going to do without him."

Jonah put his hand on Reyes' shoulder, "Let's just find someplace safe and make preparations. He died as a warrior…we'll send him on as one…"

They then built Roth funeral pyre and set it on fire. Lara also made sure to chuck in Roth's favourite Playboy magazine. That should keep the old man happy on the other side.

"That old PT boat on the beach," Reyes said, "I should be able to fix it up."

"It's worth a shot," Jonah said.

"It doesn't matter," Lara said, "We're not getting off this island…"

"Come on Lara, don't talk like that," Alex said, "We just gotta regroup, come up with a plan, you know…"

"You just don't get it…any of you…something won't let us leave…" Lara said, "Have you not been paying attention? The shipwrecks, the planes, the storms, and those dried sperm on the statues…I came across a thug called Nikolai and he mentioned these so called Solarii men were using their sperm for a purpose, and that purpose appears to be masturbating to these statues. They even made Whitman do the same thing."

The rest of the crew just wore a dumbfounded look on their faces, except Sam, who seemed the only one clever enough to share Lara's suspicions.

Lara then continued, "Legend says that Himiko wielded a lot of sexual prowess, and Matthias somehow thought that he could…I don't know…maybe harness those powers via Sam whom he knew was a descendent of Himiko."

Sam began to blush furiously. Lara found it quite lovely actually.

"Look, I don't have all the answers," Lara explained, "All I know is these things are not random. They are all connected somehow and we need to understand why."

"Lara," Reyes spoke coldly, "You need to sleep."

"Look," Alex said "I'll be the first to admit that I usually go in for the weird fetish porn, but this place is off the charts. It doesn't even feel kinky anymore."

Lara and Sam both stared at him in disbelief. Sam then said, "I didn't know you were into that kind of stuff. You always look so proper, like a mummy's boy. You've just ruined your good boy image with what you said there."

"Well, might as well," Alex replied, "Since Lara and you are both lesbians, there's really no point in me trying to impress you girls."

"My god…" Lara shook her head, "Is there a place on this island where we don't have to talk about sex…"

"You kids can talk about sex and porn all you want!" Reyes growled, "But I'm not dying here! I'm fixing that boat and we're leaving!"

She then stormed away.

Lara then requested she be left alone to grieve for Roth a little longer. Jonah and Alex then went to follow Reyes. Before Sam left as well, Lara gave her a handgun for protection.

She then asked Sam, "You survived the fire, Sam. How did that happen?"

"I don't know," Sam said, "It…it just felt like…like nothing…like the fire wasn't even touching me…"

"Hmm…" Lara said, "Fire cannot kill a dragon…they said you were the chosen one…there must be a connection here…" She then shook her head, "Never mind that for now, but I need you to translate something for me."

"Okay," Sam said, "What is it?"

"Baka! Aisheteru annatawa kawaii manko des!" Lara repeated the Japanese phrase she had heard before the plane crashed. "What does that mean?"

Before she could react, Sam pulled her into a strong hug and buried her lips into hers. Lara was a little surprised, as Sam kissed her with a fervent vigour and began to feel her up.

Lara had to fight hard not to give in, but eventually she pushed Sam away.

"Sam I know you have needs, and so do I, and believe me if it wasn't for the circumstances, I would make hot love to you right here, right now, but I need you to focus and answer my question. What does that phrase mean in Japanese?"

Sam looked heavy lidded and she had a feverish blush on her face. She then said hazily, "It means idiot! I love your cute pussy!"

"Wha-" Before Lara could say anything, Sam planted another passionate kiss on her lips. She could feel Sam's hands on her breast and hip. Things began to get really hot and Lara could feel her groin starting to burn.

It took a mighty effort, but she still pushed Sam away. "Sam! Not now! Are you sure that's what it means? Because that's the phrase I heard booming from the sky before the rescue plane was struck down by lightning!"

"Huh?" Sam blinked a few times. She then rubbed her face with her palms, trying to get sober. She then looked a Lara, disappointment evident on her face, "Yeah…the grammar is a bit messed up, but that's what it means."

Lara descended into deep thoughts for a while.

After a long pause, she noticed Sam still looking at her. Lara then grabbed her hands, "Look Sam, I'm sorry, but now is not the time. I promise I will make it up for you later. Go now with Reyes and the others. I will catch up with you at the beach."

Sam initially appeared very hesitant, but she did look a bit happier after Lara gave her a kiss on her cheek and a pat on her butt. She then went on her way, leaving Lara by herself.

Lara then sat down and rested for a while.

"Idiot…I love your cute pussy…The storms…The masturbation…They're all linked to the sexual prowess of the Sun Queen…" Lara mumbled to herself, "That's what stopping us leaving…" She then stood back up, "The monastery has a ritual chamber. If that's what the Stormguards are protecting, the answer to stopping the storm must be in there!" She then studied her map, "Hmm…a hidden river entrance…The boat! I'm going to use it to go inland, to the ritual chamber!"

Lara then set off after Sam and the others.

It was very dark by now. She soon came upon a swamp. It was swarmed full of thugs, who all wielded flashlights and were searching for Lara.

Lara took a handful of mud and smeared it all across her body. She looked incredibly sexy. Only Lara could pull off shit like this and still look awesomely sexy.

She then proceeded to stealth kill every single thug in the area…Rambo-style…

She then came to a cave opening. She hid behind a wall as three thugs appeared at the cave entrance. One had brown hair with bangs, the second one had brown hair with spikes, and the third one was a blonde. Curiously, the blonde was also wearing a long, black trench coat, and, of all things, a pair of sunglasses…during midnight…

"Albert man…you really need to lose that outfit. We get the black trench coat and stuff, but do you really need to wear that sunglasses? At midnight?" the man with spiky brown hair said, "Seriously, how do you even see?"

"I can see just fine," Albert said with a calm voice.

"Anyway," The man with banged brown hair said, "Chris and I here were just wondering, you know that outsider girl right? What do you think she is? I mean, I've never seen someone so good at killing. She has literally slaughtered hundreds of the Solarii in just a handful of days!"

"Yeah," Chris said, "I think she's Batman, and Leon here thinks she's a ninja."

Lara's ear perked. She remembered hearing the names Chris and Leon, and their similar conversation earlier when she was crossing the bridge from Shanty Town to the Japanese Palace. The two must have survived that carnage. She continued to listen attentively.

"You are both wrong," Albert said, "She is neither Batman, nor a ninja."

"Well, what do you think she is then?" Leon said.

"I have studied her combat very carefully. She has a very distinctive style that sets her apart from the others." Albert said, "If you watch closely, when someone runs close and swings his sword at her, she will dodge. And in that very instance, when she dodges the sword, time freezes, giving her a split second to react and press the Y button on Xbox. She will then counter attack with her arrow, either by stabbing it through her enemy's head, or through her enemy's knee."

There was a very long pause. Even Lara was confused.

"What? What Y button?" Chris asked, "What the fuck does that even mean?"

"As far as I am aware, there is only one group of people who has the ability to execute this kind of freeze-time effect," Albert continued in a very serious tone, "It is very obvious. She must be from the Matrix."

There was again a very long pause. Lara had to fight hard not to burst out laughing.

"What the fuck?!" Chris said, "Seriously Albert, it is not enough that you dress like Neo from the Matrix, with that stupid black trench coat and sunglasses, and now you talk like the guys from Matrix too?"

"Wait...! Shut up you two! Be quiet!" Leon suddenly said, "Do you notice something strange?"

Albert and Chris stopped their bickering and observed their surroundings.

"This place was swarming with guards and their flashlights a while ago," Albert began, "Now it is all very dark and quiet."

"Where did they all go?" Chris asked.

"You know this can only mean one thing, right?" Leon said, his voice trembling slightly.

Lara took out her rifle, and mentally prepared for battle.

"Look, girl!" Leon said suddenly, "I know you're out there! But we're not your enemies! We don't even care about Matthias and his stupid cult! We just want out of this island. We just want to return to our own franchise, that's all!"

"What are you doing?" Chris said in a slight panicky voice.

"I'm doing what must be done!" Leon said, "Seriously, wherever this girl goes, explosion will follow and her enemies will die. Do you want to join them?"

"Leon is right," Albert said, "It is obvious who is winning this war. Matthias and his followers are doomed. To survive, we must switch side and join the girl's cause."

Chris sighed, "You're both right, but will she even trust us?"

"Girl!" Leon said again, "As a gesture of good will, there is a tunnel in this cave behind us. If you follow the tunnel, you will eventually reach Shanty Town. You can use the Gondola transport there to go to the Shipwreck Beach. You should find your friends there!"

Lara was feeling very confused by now. She wondered if she should just kill these three clowns and be done with it.

"Alright, we'll leave you be now!" Leon said, as he led Albert and Chris away from the cave entrance and into the woods, "Please don't kill us!"

Lara waited until they disappeared. Then she waited for a bit longer. When nothing happened, she stood up and went into the cave.

She found some caged wolves in the cave. She shot them all dead to gain some cheap XP. She then followed a tunnel which led her back to Shanty Town. She then used the Gondola transport to travel to Shipwreck Beach, killing more thugs on her way in a spectacular, mid-air skirmish.

It was already morning when she reached the beach. There, she joined up with Sam, Jonah and Reyes, and learned that Alex had gone to the Endurance shipwreck to retrieve some tools. Lara did her part too and collected some pulleys from an old Portuguese shipwreck. After a while, useless ass Whitman also joined the group.

Lara then set off to find Alex. She crossed some ruins and some beach and some old WW2 Japanese bunker. She slaughtered her way through everything until she finally reached the Endurance.

There, she came upon two thugs and a huge, Russian Mr T wannabe called Boris.

Lara used her bow and arrows to quickly pick off the two smaller thugs.

Boris then spotted Lara. He roared in anger and charged towards Lara like a crazed bull. "What is this! A little rat!"

"I'll show you what this rat can do!" Lara charged towards Boris as well.

As they reached each other, Boris swung his fist at Lara and missed. Lara jumped high up to his left side, and in one fell swoop, she stabbed her pick axe right through Boris' neck before she landed.

Boris spurted a copious amount of blood, collapsed, and died.

Lara didn't even turn back.

She then shouted, walking as she did, "IS THERE NO ONE ELSE?!"

She walked a bit more, glaring into nothing in particular, "IS THERE NO ONE ELSE?!"

After a while, she realised how silly she must have looked yelling like that to an empty audience.

She sulked, "I would've looked so awesome imitating Achilles from that movie Troy…"

She then collected the Rope Ascender. She then continued on her way, stopping by her old cabin to retrieve some of Sam's favourite lingerie and sex toys.

It didn't take long before she reached Alex. She found him pinned to the floor with a crushed leg.

"Oh Alex…" Lara crouched down beside him, "You got the tools!"

"Finally I impress you!" Alex laughed.

"Let's get you out of here," Lara said as she tried to lift the debris off Alex's leg.

Alex groaned in agony and motioned for Lara to stop.

"Sorry! Sorry!" Lara said.

"Well, it looks like my dance career is over," Alex tried to make a joke.

Lara laughed half-heartedly.

"I'm not going to make it out of here, Lara," Alex said with a grave tone, "Take the tools."

"Not without you!" Lara insisted.

"How often does a guy like me get to be a hero?" Alex said, "The others are counting on us!"

Lara looked hard at Alex. Upon his insistence, she finally gave in. She gave Alex a parting kiss on his face. Before she could leave though, Alex stopped her.

"Wait, Lara!" He said, "Can you…can you do one last thing for me?"

"Sure, what is it?" Lara asked.

"Ride me…ride me, Lara!" Alex said, "Ride me till I flat line!"

Lara arched her eyebrow, "Excuse me?"

"Please! I don't want to die a virgin!" Alex begged.

"What? Like right here? Right now?" Lara asked.

"Well…where and when else do you suggest?" Alex said, "Please!"

Lara hesitated. Alex had a very sad and yearning look on his face. He was a hero after all, and perhaps in his last moment, it was something Lara could do to reward his heroism. She sighed, "Alright, alright. Let's take your pants off."

Alex had a big smile on his face. Lara then unzipped his pants.

_3 seconds later…_

Lara looked at the goo on her hands, "Well…that was quick…"

Alex had a blissful look on his face.

"Alright, I probably should go," Lara then stood up, feeling a little uncomfortable.

"Wait! Wait!" Alex stopped her, "That was too soon…I-I must've still got something left…Can you…like…work on it a little…Please!"

Lara looked at Alex, then back at his private tool. She sighed and crouched back down, "Alright…let's see what else I can do…"

_Another 3 seconds later…_

Lara looked at the more goo on her hands, "Wow…Alex…that must be like a record…"

Alex was now looking very zonked out.

"Do you want me to give it another go?" Lara asked.

"No…No…" Alex said breathlessly, "I-I think I'm spent…Go Lara…and please don't tell the others what happened…and please don't tell them I'm still a virgin…"

Lara nodded sadly, "I won't." She then gave Alex another kiss on his cheek.

Just then, a large horde of thugs arrived and started shooting at them. Lara was finally forced to escape, and Alex sacrificed himself by blowing up the ship, taking the thugs with him to the bottom of the ocean.

Lara sobbed as she reached safety. She promised herself that she wouldn't let any of her other friends die. She then made her way back to the bunker.

In the bunker, she found a note. The note basically said that all truth would be revealed in an ancient Samurai General's tomb located in a coastal dig site beyond the cliffs.

Lara then made her way back to the Survivor's camp, where she told the others about Alex's demise, leaving out the saucy details of course.

"Seems anyone caught with you has a pretty low survival rate," Reyes said bitterly.

Sam wrapped her arms around Lara, while Jonah urged, "Stop it Reyes!"

Lara, though, gave it a deep thought. She then smiled happily, having completely misunderstood Reyes' meanings, "Yeah you're right. I don't think I've let a single thug escape when they get caught up with me, unless I let them."

Everyone else just stared at her in disbelief, except Sam, who gave Lara a kiss on the cheek and beamed positively with pride.

They then decided to prepare and cook dinner.

Jonah did most of the cooking himself, whereas Lara and Sam helped. Reyes continued to work on fixing the boat. Predictably, useless ass Whitman just sat on his hands.

After a while, dinner was ready and they began to eat.

"Mmmm…! These fried chicken are good!" Sam said. She then offered some to Reyes, "Hey Reyes, you want some?"

Reyes just stared at Sam. She looked like she couldn't believe what she had just heard. "Excuse me?"

"These fried chicken…" Sam said through a mouthful of food, "They are very tasty! Jonah did a great job! You should try some!"

A scowl began to form on Reyes' face. "Is this a joke?"

Sam looked confused, "I-I don't understand…"

"Sure you don't!" Reyes growled, "What? So you're just gonna offer some fried chicken to a black person and think you can get away with it?! You think that's funny?! Huh?! Do you?! WHALE EATER!"

Sam looked quite upset, "Hey! I don't eat whales!"

Reyes snorted, "You're not fooling anyone, girl!"

Whitman decided to butt in, "Come on girls, let's not fight amongst ourselves."

"Back off white boy!" Reyes growled, "Go back to your burgers!"

"Hey that was uncalled for!" Whitman said, "I don't even like burgers!"

As the three of them bickered and quarrelled about ethnicity and food, Lara slowly looked down on her plate. Her eyes then widened in shock and horror…

_Oh my god, how the fuck…?_ Lara thought to herself.

Sitting there pretty on her plate, were lo and behold, none other than_ fish and chips_.

Just how the hell did she let herself play into the English stereotype? Lara looked around. She then slowly and carefully tried to slip her food away behind her chair before the others could notice.

"We all saw what you did there!" Jonah laughed, "The way you meticulously sliced those fish into fillets, and gathered those potatoes from the hillside and chopped them into smaller chips…It was almost like you were on auto pilot…"

For a moment there, Lara was lost for words. The others simply sat there nodding and agreeing with Jonah.

"Hey at least I don't eat kangaroos!" Lara snapped back.

"What?" Jonah said, "I don't eat kangaroos! I'm not even Australian! I'm a Kiwi!"

"Wait!" Whitman butted in again. He then turned to look at Jonah with a curious look on his face, "What's the difference?"

Jonah's face went red, "WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?! OH MY GOD!" He then started stomping the ground repetitively with his feet and waving his hands around like a crazed animal. He started yelling some incomprehensible words. There was a crazed look on his face as the big man started doing the Kiwi Haka dance.

Whitman looked like he just pissed his pants.

"Enough!" Lara roared, "Stop it! All of you!"

Everyone then went quiet and stared at her.

"Let's just sit down and eat, okay?!" Lara said, clearly annoyed.

The rest of them did as they were told. Jonah, Whitman, Reyes and Sam all sat back down and ate their food quietly, not saying another word.

It was a long pause before anyone spoke again.

"Fish and chips are nice…" Lara quietly muttered as she took a bite.

"Yeah…so are fried chicken…" Reyes said, eating her fried chicken.

"So are burgers…" Whitman chipped in.

"Alright I admit it, I love kangaroos. It's actually my specialty." Jonah said, "And I hate Pavlovas! I can't even understand why the Aussies tried to steal it from us! It tastes like expired honey!"

This was followed by another long pause.

After a while, everyone just looked at Sam, who was sitting there quietly munching on her chicken.

It took her a while to notice everyone staring at her, "What?" She said.

"Come on Sam, just admit it." Reyes said.

"Yeah, go on." Jonah chipped in.

Sam looked taken aback. After a while, she yelled, "I don't eat whales okay?!"

Reyes snorted, "Yeah, sure you don't."

"You mean to say you've never tasted whale before?" Whitman asked.

Another long silence followed. Sam just looked from one to the other.

She then yelled, "I was four years old! I didn't know!"

"There you go," Reyes laughed, "Whale eater!"

Jonah and Whitman also laughed. As everyone else then returned to their dinner, Sam just looked crestfallen. She then cast her eyes downwards on her plate. Her lips began to quiver.

"This is so unfair…" She sobbed.

Lara thought she looked kind of cute. She went over to her side and wrapped her arm around Sam, "There, there!" She comforted her girlfriend.

After everyone finished their dinner, they had a discussion on what to do next. Reyes went back to fixing the boat. Sam took a nap. Jonah sat outside the camp to keep watch. Whitman sat on his hands and did nothing.

Lara went off in search for the secret research base. She ascended and climbed up the cliffs until she reached the old military building. She killed the thugs guarding the base, and eventually came upon the decayed corpse of a Samurai General. There, she found a note.

_I have failed my queen. When her body grows old, she requires a new body of youth and supreme vitality to sustain her sexual hunger. Each candidate is selected carefully, and tested via the ritual of flames. The one who survives the fire carries the blood of the dragon, a being of supreme vitality, and is destined to carry on the legacy of my queen._

_But the latest ritual was corrupted. The young priestess knew only death could save her and took her own life. Now the first and last queen lives a half-life, a soul in a decaying body, with her sexual needs forever unsatisfied._

_Her rage became the storms and would not stop while her soul is tied to this earth. Her storms finally decimated our glorious civilization. Those of us who survived did so by learning the way to calm her anger. We built stone statues of the queen and masturbated to them every day to pay our tribute. Only with this, will the queen spare the island from complete annihilation. She will not let us leave however, and will continue to bring lost souls from the seas to this unholy place._

_My Stormguard are sworn to protect her. They must continue to serve and masturbate, but I cannot endure this torture. Only in death will I find peace._

Lara began to piece everything together.

"That Japanese phrase about cute pussy…Himiko's sexual prowess…The last failed ritual of flames…the very same ritual that Sam survived…Himiko's soul being trapped in a decaying body…that's what causing the storms! And Matthias and his thug's masturbation to the stone statues is what keeping the storms from destroying everything on this island! And to stop the storms, we need to destroy the body in the ritual chamber! How the hell am I going to convince the others…?"

Suddenly, she was ambushed by a large horde of thugs. Lara massacred them all.

She then escaped the research base. On her way, Reyes called her via the walkie talkie and told her that they were being attacked by more thugs at the camp.

Lara then quickly made her way back to the camp and joined up with the others. By then, the thugs had all escaped. Lara's eyes grew red again as she learnt that Whitman had betrayed the survivors and taken her girlfriend Sam back to Matthias.

The boat had been fixed by then, and Reyes suggested that they leave the island and get help. Lara tried to explain the unholy nature of the storms, but Reyes would have none of it, at least not until Jonah managed to persuade her.

"Look," He said, "whatever's happening here, Lara deserves a shot. But more importantly, have you seen what she did to her enemies? I wouldn't cross her if I were you, Reyes."

That finally convinced Reyes, but she was still apprehensive, "We can't go back to their stronghold, it'd be suicide."

"Like I said," Jonah added, "Have you seen what Lara did to her enemies? Those thugs could be armed with nuclear bombs and Lara would still fucking destroy them."

And that settled the argument.

Just before they left though, three men showed up at their camp. Lara recognised them as Leon, Chris and Albert. They had their arms raised above their head.

"Look, we mean no harm!" Leon said, "Don't kill us! Please hear what we have to say!"

Reyes and Jonah immediately took up their guns, but Lara was relaxed. "It's okay. I don't think these guys are our enemies." She then approached them. "Who are you and why are you here?"

"My name is Leon, and these are my friends Chris and Albert." Leon said, looking relieved, "We've been stranded on this island for many months. We just want out of here, and we think you can help us. Please, like you, we're the good guys from our franchise."

"Yeah," Chris said, "except Albert here. He's the bad guy."

"Shut up Chris!" Leon gave his friend a smack.

"If you let us, we will join you and fight for your cause against Matthias and his followers," Albert said, "Even after your killing spree, Matthias still has dozens of men at his command. You need men like us, men who can fight, to even out the odds."

Lara smirked, "What makes you think the odds are in their favour?"

Jonah then chipped in, "And how do we know we can trust you guys?"

Leon, Chris and Albert appeared speechless.

Lara studied them. They looked quite genuine and Lara didn't think they were anything like Matthias and his thugs.

"That's easy," She said, looking at the three men, "Do you guys know what I do to my enemies?"

All three of them nodded furiously.

"Good," Lara said, "Welcome on board." She then turned to Jonah and Reyes, "That's how you know we can trust them."

They then all climbed onto the boat and headed towards the monastery. Soon, the night passed and the sun rose to signal the beginning of dawn.

Lara was sitting there loading her ammunitions and firearms, with the red gleam in her eyes ever present. She had a murderous look on her face.

Jonah was a bit worried.

Once they reached the base of the cliff, Jonah anchored the boat and grabbed his shotgun, "Alright, let's go."

"No," Lara said with a calm voice, "I'll need all of you here to guard the main entrance while I go in after Sam."

"You're going in there alone?" Reyes asked.

"Of course," Lara replied, "What? You think I'll let you lots come and steal my glory? Sam's in there and this is the perfect chance for me to showcase my gallantry and save my princess. You lots just stay here and take out as many of those bastards as you can."

Jonah grabbed Lara's arm, "My little bird, I cannot help but notice that look in your eyes. They say vengeance can destroy a soul, while forgiveness can save it. Whatever happens, just be careful, Lara."

Lara's eyes were steely as she stepped off the boat. She turned to give Jonah and the others one final look, "Forgiveness is between them and God. My role is to arrange the meeting."

She then headed off for the final showdown.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Lara climbed up the cliffs. She then crawled through a tunnel, at the end of which she saw Matthias, Whitman, and…

"Oh-my-god…" Lara's jaws dropped, as she saw her girlfriend Sam looking super sexy in her ceremonial white dress, "That is so hot! I must get her to dress like that next time we make out…"

She then witnessed Whitman stupidly distract and then get killed by some Samurai guards, while Matthias dragged Sam and sneaked across a bridge. Before Lara could catch up though, the bridge was destroyed by a gust of wind.

Yes...destroyed...like, completely torn apart...

By a gust of wind...

That's right, a gust of wind...!

Seriously…what cheap materials did these Japanese people use to construct their buildings?

Lara then had to take a detour. She then sneaked inside the old Japanese temple, and eventually came to a large hall.

Inside the hall, she found hordes of Samurai warriors queuing and marching in some kind of sacred ceremony. As Lara climbed up the stairs, she came to an elevated plateau overlooking the hall. It was there she realised what the ceremony involved. Hordes of Samurai warriors were lining up and masturbating to an enormous statue of Himiko situated at the centre of the hall. The animalistic growls of the Samurai warriors as they emptied their goo sack were as intimidating as they were disturbing. Lara found herself feeling sick as she sneaked past the guards and climbed into a tunnel.

At that point, the Samurai warriors noticed her and started shooting fire arrows at her direction. Lara ran as predictably shit got blown up again.

She then came to a narrow corridor where she easily killed several Samurai warriors.

She continued on her way and came to a wide chasm. She saw Matthias and Sam walking along on the opposite side. She shouted Sam's name but neither of them appeared to have heard her.

Lara then continued on her way again and eventually came to a large area of ruins. It was here where she staged her epic battle with the hordes of Samurai warriors and butchered them all.

As she crossed a bridge, she came face to face with the giant Samurai, who roared in anger and charged towards Lara.

"Hmm…a vulnerable looking girl who kicks ass and isn't afraid to kill…pitted against a mythical giant Samurai…" Lara thought to herself, "Now where have I seen this before…?"

It was then some piles of wood flew from nowhere and sucker punched the giant Samurai off the bridge into the depths below.

Lara then continued on her way. She eventually arrived at the ritual chamber, where she found many tall statues of the sun queen Himiko, with dried sperm on them. Lara began to study them. She began to piece everything together and came to the realisation that Himiko wanted to transfer her soul into Sam's body.

She then continued on her way up a long, narrow corridor, and finally arrived at the Chasm Ziggurat, where she finally came face to face with her nemesis Matthias. He was holding onto Sam and using her as leverage against Lara.

"No…No…Please!" Sam pleaded, "Lara!"

Lara found those words a bit arousing, especially with Sam dressed in that sexy outfit, but she fought them off. She readied her bow and arrow, "Why are you doing this, Matthias?!"

"Do you think you're the hero, Lara?" Matthias shot back, "Everything I've done I did to survive. How many lives have you taken to do the same?! There are no heroes here, only survivors."

"Himiko's dangerous, Matthias," Lara tried to reason with him, "She's angry, she's vengeful, and she's fucking horny!"

"A mere horny mortal for a horny queen?" Matthias said, "A good trade for our freedom I'd say!"

Suddenly, lightning struck and Lara was separated from them by some fire. She then began her epic, legendary, heroic climb to the top of the ziggurat, with the tomb raider music blasting in the background.

"Man…" Lara said, "I must look so awesome!"

Once she reached the top, she began to slaughter her way through hordes of thugs and Samurai warriors alike. Lara really had no idea why these two groups were even fighting each other. The thugs wanted to revive Himiko. The Samurai wanted to protect Himiko. They were practically on the same side.

"I suppose they're all just stupid dumbasses," Lara shrugged.

She then finally came face to face with the giant Samurai. Apparently he had some shit name called the Samurai Stalker.

They then fought an epic, final battle. It took a while, but Lara eventually managed to blow off the Samurai Stalker's mask. The Samurai Stalker then roared in anger. He dropped his armour and mace, and made a motion to Lara, suggesting that he wanted to challenge Lara to a pure fist fight.

Lara arched her eyebrow. She then grinned and chucked away her own weapons.

Lara then positioned herself in a kick ass martial arts stance, "You're up against a woman whose power you cannot even begin to comprehend! I will make you cry, boy! I'm a disciple of Beatrix Kiddo. I've watched her movie twenty times and mastered the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique!"

She then charged towards the Samurai Stalker, and landed five quick strikes on his chest with her fists. Lara then jumped away.

"You will now die as soon as you've walked five steps!" She smirked.

The Samurai Stalker took no notice. He began walking towards Lara.

One…two…three…four…five…and…

"What the-?" Lara's eyes widened as the Samurai Stalker took his sixth and seventh steps without collapsing. There was almost a satisfied smirk on his decaying face.

Lara frowned, "God damn Hollywood and their lies about secret techniques!"

Lara then quickly dashed to the side and retrieved her weapons. She fired her shotgun at the Samurai Stalker's face as he charged towards her. As the Samurai Stalker was temporarily blinded and stunned, Lara grabbed her pick axe and stabbed a few deep holes into the Stalker's neck and skull, finally killing him.

Lara then quickly ran across a small bridge to reach the elevated plateau, where Matthias was finishing the ritual to transfer Himiko's soul into Sam's body.

Lara aimed an arrow at Himiko, when suddenly Matthias shot off her bow. In doing so, he used up the last of his bullets however. He then charged towards Lara and the two engaged in a fierce fist fight, with Lara gaining the upper hand in the end.

Matthias was stumbling backwards when Lara unleashed her signature twin handguns and unloaded her bullets onto Matthias.

With Matthias on his last breath, Lara slowly approached him. She aimed her handgun at Matthias' forehead, point-blank style, as the man stood at the edge of the cliff.

"Please…" Matthias begged through mouthful of blood, "…I ever only wanted to survive…"

Lara's heart rate began to ascend. Her eyes remained icy cold however. She knew this was it. This was her moment. This was the moment when she would deliver her punch line and rise to the realm of legends.

She stared into Matthias, "When you play the Game of Tomb Raider, you win, or you die."

She then pulled the trigger.

Matthias' body fell silently into the depths of the abyss.

Lara then went over to Himiko, whose soul was trying to steal her girlfriend Sam's body. Lara took out her torch and lit it on fire.

"Get your own bitch, whore! 'Cause this one is mine!" She then stabbed the torch into Himiko's heart.

Himiko then let rip a loud, piercing scream and exploded in flames.

Lara then knelt beside a slowly recovering Sam, "Sam!" She said, "Oh Sam, thank god!"

"Urgg…wha…what's happening? Lara?" Sam regained her consciousness.

"Shh…shh…I'm here…" Lara cooed, "You're safe now, it's okay…it's okay…"

"You saved me…I knew you would…" Sam replied, coughing a little. She had a lovely blush on her face.

"I made you a promise," Lara smiled.

As the storm faded, the sun rose. Lara could feel its warmth as she hugged her girlfriend close.

"Now…" She said, smiling, as her hands began to feel Sam up, "How about some repayment?"

Sam's face went rosy red, as she nodded and pulled Lara into a passionate kiss.

"You look so hot in this dress…" Lara muttered as things began to get really hot, "We should definitely keep it…"

"I'll put it on whenever you like…" Sam breathed heavily as her hands began to swim all over Lara's body.

They then kissed again. The two girls proceeded to make earth shattering hot love on the rooftop of the Chasm Ziggurat, defiling the holy temple in a carnal feast of flesh and love…

In fact, Sam was so sore afterwards that Lara had to carry her all the way down the mountain.

By the time they made their way back to Reyes and the rest of the group, it was already near evening. They then finally and happily escaped the island with the boat.

It wasn't long before they were picked up and rescued by a large cargo ship headed for Japan.

The following morning, Lara was leaning against the rails watching Sam and the others eat and chat away when she was approached by a man dressed in blue jeans, white shirt underneath, and a blue beanie.

Lara's eyes widened in shock. She recognised the man as Deckhand.

"W-What?" Lara stumbled, "How did you-?"

"Survive?" Deckhand chuckled.

He then tore away his jeans and chucked away his white shirt and blue beanie, to reveal what he was really dressed in underneath. He wore a grey unbuttoned shirt, brown cargo pants, and a dark brown leather jacket. He then put on his cowboy hat and flashed Lara a handsome grin.

"Y-You're…!" Lara gulped in amazement.

"My real name is Indiana Jones, the one and true greatest adventurer that ever lived. I've been searching for my successor, and I believe I've found one." He said with a charming voice. He then took out a kinky looking whip and gave it to Lara, "Whoever holds this whip holds the title greatest. It is yours from now onwards."

Lara took the whip, still feeling shocked and awed. "But…but I saw you get shot…and then I saw you get cannibalised…How did you…?"

Indiana Jones then flashed her another dashing smile, "When you've been through what I have, immortality isn't such a special power anymore."

A pair of white wings then materialised out of his back. As he flapped the wings, Lara could feel herself pushed back by a powerful shockwave. Lara stared in awe as Indiana Jones shot into the sky.

"Godspeed, Lara!" He boomed. He then flapped his wings again and rocketed out of sight into the horizon.

"Wow…that is so awesome…" Lara said. She then studied the kinky whip Indiana Jones had given her, "Hmm…This looks fun…I must try this with Sam later…"

After a while, Leon, Chris and Albert approached her. They looked a bit sheepish. It appeared they wanted to say something but couldn't decide how to say it.

Leon eventually asked, "So…uh…girl…we were still sort of wondering…what exactly are you? Are you a ninja? Batman? Or a warrior from the Matrix?"

Lara smirked. She turned to stare into the horizon, with the wind blowing handsomely on her hair.

"I'm known by some as the Angel of Darkness…Heaven knows me as the Last Revelation manifested as a supreme being…Hell knows me as the Chronicles of all Underworlds condensed into a single entity…Mortals know me as the Legend, the Greatest Adventurer that ever lived…

But the truth is…I am simply Lara Croft, the Tomb Raider…

…And I'm not going home…"

And with the Tomb Raider music blasting in the background, Lara unlocked her final achievement.

A Sadomasochist Is Born.

* * *

End Note:

Well, there you go. I hope you had as much fun reading it as I had writing it. I'd also like to thank those who spent time to review. In case you're interested, I have included a list below where you can find all the pop culture referenced in this fic.

_Chapter 1_

_It is not who you are, but what you do that defines you. – Batman Begins_

"_Elevation" by "U2" – in association with the 2001 Tomb Raider movie_

_You jump, I jump! – Titanic_

_Near…far…wherever you are… - My Heart Will Go On, Titanic_

_Preciousss! – The Lord of the Rings_

_Endurance, also known as Titanic Mark II – Titanic_

_Nathan Drake – Uncharted_

_The island of Yamatai came alive to the music of… - Game of Thrones_

_Chapter 2_

_May the force be with you – Star Wars_

_I'll peel the flesh off your bone – Spiderman 2_

_With great responsibility, comes great power – Spiderman_

_Left is right, and right is wrong – Battle Realms_

_Fire cannot kill a dragon – Game of Thrones_

_I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want… - Taken_

_Lara's art is death, and she's about to paint her masterpiece… - Man on Fire_

_Chapter 3_

_They may take my life, but they'll never take my freedom! – Braveheart_

_Leon, Chris, Albert, Ada, Jill – Resident Evil_

_Blood of my blood! – Game of Thrones_

_What is dead may never die! – Game of Thrones_

_My Heart Will Go On – Titanic_

_Chapter 4_

_Stealth kill…Rambo-style… - Rambo_

_Freeze-time effect…Neo… - The Matrix_

_Russian Mr T wannabe – The A-Team_

_Is there no one else?! – Troy_

_Ride me till I flat line! – The Big Bang Theory_

_3 seconds later…and 3 seconds later – American Pie_

_Forgiveness is between them and God. My role is to arrange the meeting. – Man on Fire_

_Chapter 5_

_A vulnerable girl against a mythical giant Samurai – Sucker Punch_

_Beatrix Kiddo – Kill Bill_

_You win, or you die – Game of Thrones_

_Indiana Jones – Indiana Jones movie series_


End file.
